Ok! So LEARN FROM  ME!! DEAR GOD PLEASE LEARN!!! Sooooooo.. I spent this weekend in a shame spiral (aka buying shit I didn’t need, drinking too much, and eating things with excessive amounts of cheese, etc) instead of prancing and dancing with people I admire and adore at the Windy City Burlesque Festival because I got turned away at the border. What happened? Shit I did not think of or even plan for in anyway.. but turns out if you want to be an “international” performer.. or plan on performing internationally.. you better get your plan hat on before you are randomly selected for a secondary baggage check/interview.

And now children, gather round as I tell my tale of woe and sadness:

So I got to the airport about 2 hrs ahead of fly time=Win!!

There was zero line for check-in =Win!

Basically zero time to get through security=Still Win!

Same for the immigration line except.. they told me the computer had randomly selected me for a secondary baggage check and interview= okaaayyy

I’m kinda freaking out abit thinking about my weirdo costumes in my suitcase and how my stupid unicorn horn comes apart so I can hide a confetti cannon in it so are they going to think I want to hide heroin in it but I figure it’ll be fine.. I still have an hour and a half before plane. Should be ok.

NOT OK.

The long and the short of it is that they asked

Where I was going: Chicago

Why: burlesque festival

Are you performing: yes

are you getting paid: no

are they charging admission: yes

Who benefits: the producers/ probably the headliners

Are you a headliner: no

Why would you want to go: because I wish I was.. and maybe if I show people my work, they will like it/ adventure/fun.

I spent 2-3 hours doing this and missed my flight. They fingerprinted me to check for a criminal record and decided that I was ineligible because even if I wasn’t making money someone was making money off of my performance so I needed a special visa. I even called the producers and got them to send an email saying I was performing PRO BONO but no dice. No dice at all.

So here is where I can tell things went wrong.

I TOLD THE TRUTH!!!  Mind you, I told the truth the last  (and only) time I performed in the States at the Burlesque Hall of Fame and it wasn’t a big deal. BUT this is probably because I said pageant. They get pageant or competition as long as its not for money. Festival. Not so much. If someone is making money off admission- they’re going to look at you like an exploited werker or something. I also told them that the festival had found me a place to stay which is ALSO VERY VERY BAD!! They told me that counted as getting paid So make sure you say Nope nope I paid for it.

Lesson #1: You paid for everything. EVERYTHING! Underline Underline Bold Bold Bold Caps Lock >EVERYTHING!!!

Now everyone says, why didn’t you lie? Well.. I had a suitcase full of costumes that they were going to go through- and I did not have a superlie planned out. If you aren’t able or willing to get the necessary performer visa (I’ll blog about that when I figure that one out.. jeeeeepers!) you better have your superlie down pat if they start asking you why exactly you have a unicorn or mime or whatever other weirdo costume. If its for your boyfriend (cuz you have a mime fetish..)? They want to know his name, his address, how did you meet, how long have you been together, etc. If its a costume party? Where is it? How did you find out about it? Whats the party called? This might be the case unless you get the random secondary check. But I did. And I did not plan.

Lesson #2: Plan your SuperLie. And it better be super and you better have all the answers. PS. They have google.

and/or

Lesson #3 Beware the SuperLie

You get caught. You can’t go back. I’ve been hearing lots of sympathetic horror stories about people not being able to Superlie their way through and getting banned from the States for years at a time. For me- I don’t really think the Superlie will be an option cuz I’m probably a marked (wo)man at this point. I don’t know exactly what kind of performer visa I need or can get or what exactly the terms are for unpaid performances (aka bhof) but I’ll let you know if a.) I have to know (HA!) and b.) when I know.

One more lesson

Lesson #4 BUY FLIGHT INSURANCE!!!! OH… MY… GOD!!!!

All I can say at this point is to let you know that I’m ok! I honestly feel really lucky because I have so much support. So many people have offered advice or love and I’m so grateful <3  A couple of other really great things that came from this is that I was able to talk myself off the ledge pretty quickly (ok 3 days quickly but thats quick for me!! ) and be able to realize that this is nowhere NEAR the worst thing that has ever happened to me. And I can use those shit frames of reference from my past to say.. really.. this isn’t that bad. I also felt proud that I didn’t take it too personally. Its really easy to use a circumstance or instance as an excuse to feel bad about yourself as a person or a performer- but I know its just something that happened and not something that has to define me. Lessons all over place here.. and hopefully other people will know now too!!!

Lesson #5 HAVING A SOLID CREW/FOUNDATION OF PEOPLE WHO LOVE AND SUPPORT ME IS BETTER THAN ANYTHING THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED IN CHICAGO

I fail at planes but I win at friends :)